Just ‘Cuz

Why does God love us? Really. What is it about us – weak, willful, ugly, messed up humans – that makes God want to know us? What is it that makes him go to such extreme lengths to be in our lives?

Just ‘cuz.

God has NO reason to do this. Except he loves us. Like the sunrise, it just is. Yet WHY does he love us?

Just ‘cuz.

Is there anything we do that makes us more lovable? Can we do the right things, help the right people, have the right job, do enough good things? What is it that makes God love us? Nothing. He created us from nothing, with no need to fill within himself. He didn’t need companionship. He didn’t need us at all. He simply WANTED us. From creation we are wanted.

Just ‘cuz.

Unfortunately, most of us grow up thinking that in order to receive love, we must do something to earn it. Do your chores – get praise or allowance. Get good grades – get praise or money. Be a great athlete – get praise and attention. Get the right hair style, wear the right clothes, put on the right make up  - get praise, possibly money, definitely attention, and we hope, a bit of love. We are conditioned to seek praise and fulfillment however we can get it. Even in godly families, this can get messed up.

In ungodly families, it is totally whacked.

As a child I unconsciously learned that nobody cared for me or wanted to spend time with me or wanted to be bothered by me. Of course, I KNOW this is not true. My head fully knows this, as does my heart…for the most part. But it is a struggle that I deal with and probably always will. It became one my first assumptions about life.

Because my family was so broken and each of us kids so isolated, we all learned to take care of ourselves. We could never let ourselves feel badly, at least I couldn’t. If I did, a sibling would set me straight. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” The fact is, I felt sorry for them too. I felt sorry for the whole messed up family.

I learned that I was not worth being with or spending time with. Even writing that, while knowing how untrue it is, still brings tears to my eyes.  More than the demands of work, my parents weren’t home or involved. My mom resented her life. My dad, though sober and walking with Christ for decades now, could only be found at one of two bars. We kids learned that we were not important.

This leaves lifelong scars.

For me as a young adult, those lessons showed themselves in pride, arrogance and self-sufficiency. I didn’t need anyone. I could do everything. Weakness was not an option for me. All very American qualities. All very unhealthy and destructive. All very untrue.

I operated within my childish understanding which kept people at arm’s length. This way they couldn’t hurt me. It made it all the harder, however, when I was in fact deemed unworthy of love by someone who had pledged that love ’til death. The pain of that betrayal reverberates through my past and shouts against what my heart knows: I am loved, just ‘cuz.

God is rewriting these lessons. Showing me love and care from the people in my life. Demonstrating “Just ‘Cuz Love.” People have supported me without me ever asking, even before things in the mission were happening. To me, that is grace personified and a true act of God through another human being. Others have encouraged me with prayer, by joining in the mission, by caring for the things and people I care about, by talking to me and being in my life because we matter to each other.

God is also teaching me to ASK. For most of my life, I wanted my parents and family to do things or be a part of my life because they saw a need or desire in me or because they simply wanted to. This, of course, is a recipe for disaster. Passive aggressive behavior breeds dissatisfaction and unrealized expectations. People are not mind-readers, nor should they be. So now I ask. I expose my need, thus my vulnerability, and I ask. Before, asking meant I was insufficient and bothering others. Now asking is welcoming people into my world and trusting that they have enough fortitude to say no, yes or make a counter offer. I want people involved in my life and I want to be involved with others as well. Asking implies receiving. The reality is asking and receiving are still hard.

When I sense God on the verge of doing something through me and in this mission, as he is now, the lies assault me. God is wanting to bring complete healing to those areas of hurt. Last night as I prayed, I saw God opening the scar and cleaning it. Dirt, debris, infection and other toxins that were poisoning my life were washed away. It was painful, but a good kind of pain.

The wounds are still open. They need to ooze a bit. Nice image, I know, but accurate. When we don’t allow full cleansing, the wounds of our lives will scar over but never be fully healed. They can poison our blood and bring death. I don’t want that. GOD doesn’t want that. He wants to bring healing, freedom, reconciliation and wholeness.

So what, you might be asking, does this have to do with the mission? Everything. All that I am is a part of the mission. My ability to see into people’s hearts, to listen, to hear their unspoken pain stems from my own brokenness.

Mission comes out of brokenness.

Imagine a woman broken and beaten down in life by abuse. What would it mean to her to hear, “God loves you just ‘cuz.” I love you, just ‘cuz. What would it mean to someone to know that while I have no money to give them, I’m going to be their friend and introduce them to my friends. Mission is being in real relationship with messed up people, just as God is in relationship with us, other messed up people. Mission is about showing people that God loves them, just ‘cuz.

Just as he loves me.

Just ‘cuz.

Time

We’ve all heard the adage that quality is better than quantity. As a whole this is true, but what happens when quantity IS the quality? What if the best quality thing you can give someone is time?

In working with people on the edge of society or with the next generation, trust is critical. In order for them to hear what you have to say, they need to trust you. One thing that they need to trust is that you are there for them. Period. This takes time. Trust takes time. It cannot be rushed nor can it be faked.

Right now I have no time. No time to create an environment of discipleship among our missional community. No time to dream of plans for community development. No time to build relationships in the community. And no time to meet with my neighbors. This, beyond anything else, is my greatest lack.

As the person who lives in Woodland Village, I have a connection with my neighbors that others in our missional community don’t have. Spending time with my neighbors is what will foster greater relationship among others in our community, so that eventually I’m not the only one they call. Until that happens, though, I’m it. I’m the (wo)man on the street. I’m the one thinking about them all the time and longing to build relationship. I’m the one who hears things going on. I’m the one who starts to build the trust.

Two sources of encouragement are that I have been able to build in time for the youth in Wauconda. This is something that brings me energy and joy. Wednesday night is also a time of great joy as we eat a meal and grow together in our missional community. A place of discipleship and mutual care is forming out of these weekly encounters.

There are things, however, that I need to divest from my schedule. This is no easy task given the nature of the work. I need to find a replacement for me at Inside/Out, an immigrant and inner city kids ministry in Waukegan. I absolutely love the kids and the neighborhood there, but that is not where God planted me. I have no ability to invest in these kids outside of the two hours on Tuesday and to me that is unconscionable. This goes against everything I am and do as a missional leader! I’m praying for a leader who is present and who can go beyond what we currently do on Tuesdays.

I also need to divest myself of some accounting clients. That is hard since my support is insufficient. The support?! The pay is insufficient! But I’m seeing God move in amazing ways. I believe he will increase exponentially the support so that I have a truly sustainable life rather than one that is just of bare subsistence. Between support raising and strategic clients, I’m believing for full provision in 2012.

With time I could build deeper relationships and expand my influence in Wauconda and my neighborhood. With time I could create a place for other leaders to learn about living missionally. With time I could be rested and possibly have the potential for a personal life, something for which I am increasingly feeling the need. With time God could transform this community.

Yes, I’m asking for a lot. But I’m confident it is what God wants of me: Time.

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If you’d like to help in any way, volunteers are always needed in Waukegan. Younger (under 50) males are really needed but all we ask is for you to be available. You can also support me financially. A monthly pledge of $100 (or whatever God prompts) would go a long way to helping me reach the community God has entrusted to me, as well as to train others to live in mission where they are. Check out “About the Mission” for more details on giving.

Thanks for reading and helping as God leads. Blessings! Kim

Who I Am

“If we know who God has made us to be, we can stop trying to be someone we are not and let go of the stress that comes with living that kind of life. When we are walking the path God has called us to walk, we will discover grace beyond our expectations to succeed.” Thus wrote Mike Breen and Steve Cockram in their wonderfully practical and highly recommended book, Building a Discipling Culture.

In the process of reading this book for the work of making disciples (who make disciples), I was forced to think through who I really am. Introverted or extroverted? A pioneer or a settler? An apostle or shepherd (or prophet, teacher or evangelist)? What is God’s base role for me and what are just phases that I have gone through in order to understand the other roles? Big questions, hard answers.

At heart I am a passionate, introverted apostle with a strong evangelist bent who processes thoughts out loud (or in stream of consciousness writing) but gets rejuvenated by solitude or being with a small core of trusted friends and loved ones. Go figure. I’m a contradiction. Nothing really new there.

What stands out about this whole introspective “who am I” process is the realization that I have never been more myself while feeling less like the person I had been for years. I am at home, or at least heading in the right direction, with all that God would have me be. I know who I am and I’m loving and accepting this imperfect, growing person. I’m even learning to share this flawed and utterly human being with others. So what about the years between 22 and 38? What about that other person who was me and yet was so different to who I am now? How do I account for being two very different people?

It would be impossible to unpack all the whys and hows of me, as it is for any of us, but what it comes down to is embracing the vision and call of God while simultaneously surrendering my vision and my call.

I mentioned in “Surrender” how my mother and neighbor were always looking for “something more.” I totally get that! I did it too. My whole life there has been a sense of “something more.” What distinguished my “more” is that I’ve found it! When I was 14 I felt called to be a missionary. No idea how or where that came from, but that was what prompted me to go to Bible college rather than medical school. I was called to be a missionary. This I knew.

Yet I got distracted. I did good things along the way, made some lifelong friends, served God. Yet it became a matter of doing the next thing, doing what was expected. It was about pushing for my dreams, my goals. It was about losing everything of real meaning and value. It was about hiding away from a barrage of slander and misrepresentation. It was about finding renewed passions and exploring new abilities. It was about rediscovering the image I once had of myself as a girl missionary somewhere overseas with a long blond braid and a child of dark complexion on my hip.

I can still see that image. That girl exists now only in a plumper body with shorter, graying hair, living in a trailer park with mostly older adults. Yet she exists – older, wiser, more joyful. She is a missionary.

Those intervening years were not lost. They were a part of the journey toward that person, that missionary. It was a long, hard, painful, at times ugly and eminently worthwhile journey. Before I could be the missionary God wanted me to be, I had to release my pride, my ambition, my image. Once I did that, God was able to replace it with his pride in me as his daughter, his ambition for me as his ambassador and his image reflected through me.

I am a missionary, serving people the world has forgotten but whom God has not.

Just as he has not forget me.

Change

What a difference a year makes! I can’t imagine two more disparate January’s than 2011 and 2012. Last January God was taking me through a very lonely and financially vulnerable place.

Relationships were near impossible to build while my neighbors (and myself) were hunkered down against the cold. I was still getting to know the people at Fusion Church. My close friends were miles away. My closest relationships were with people in my Forge Chicago residency group.

Fundraising was torture. Income was small and non-sustaining. To my thinking, how can I fundraise when there was so little happening? Yes, there were plans forming, learning happening and the crucial component of simply being present occurring. Yet I was still so much in the modern church mode of production that I lost the heart of missional living, which is to be among and one with my neighbors. I forgot that this takes time and is a part of any missionary experience. I did not have the “luxury” of being overseas in mission. I was in people’s back yards. It felt “less worthy” somehow. Fortunately, God did supply some supporters. Faithful friends and partners who understand the heart of God for the lost near and far. (Thanks, my friends!)

January 2012 is a vastly different place. I and others from Fusion Church are in growing relationship with my neighbors. Since May we have been meeting nearly every Wednesday as a family, welcoming people freely. We have been present, not expecting people to come to us. By being a resident of Woodland Village, I am an anchor and a constant presence in the neighborhood. Weather and lack of relationship no longer separate us. I am known and I know my neighbors, at least some of them. We can get together in each other’s homes easily. I have a growing group of people around me who care for my neighbors and have a heart to reach them with Christ’s love.

Financially God has been gracious to bring me some strategic clients to help me pay the rent and provide my basic necessities, making it possible for me to be present. Fundraising has been horrible, though. Part of that is because of my busy schedule. It’s rather a catch 22: I am so busy doing mission and working to provide for that mission that I don’t have sufficient time to make the mission all that God would want or to raise the necessary funds to free me up. This is where more change must come.

As my Crazy, Busy, Awesome Week attested, I am constantly on the move. While that kind of week usually happens only once a month, the other weeks have slowed little. There is so much more to do! So many more people with whom to engage and build relationship! I simply do not have the time with driving all over the northern suburbs. I believe God provided those clients for a time, but I can also see how he is wanting me to be more present in my neighborhood and to make disciples. I see a clear need to focus on Woodland Village and Wauconda, as well as providing exposure to a missional community for other believers and church leaders in the area. I can’t do that as things currently stand.

So what does 2012 look like? 2012 will see an increase of intentional personal fundraising which will allow me increased relationship with my neighbors (see About the Mission). I will maintain some clients and release others. I will maintain some ministry opportunities and relinquish others. 2012 will see an increase of communication to people who I am already in relationship with as well as those with whom I have yet to meet.

One of the biggest changes to 2012 is starting from a place of rest. With all the drama and crisis that comes with being involved in people’s lives, I find I need more time to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually up to the task. I do not thrive off drama but that is where I have been placed for the last few months. I need adequate rest to meet those challenges and pour out love sufficiently. Jesus is a perfect model of taking the time to hear from God and to find refreshment in the midst of other people’s drama. I need to model him in that, as in all areas.

So as God brings me to your mind, I ask you to pray. Pray for rest. Pray for finances and opportunities to speak. Pray for new ventures and greater exposure. Pray for my personal relationships and support system. Pray for those in the initial stages of relationship and those who are moving forward as disciples. Pray that I model Christ’s incarnational mission in this world.

Pray His kingdom come, His will be done in 2012.

Surrender

Over the last week I have been increasingly reminded of my mother. I’ve wanted to ask her so many questions about why she might have done something or what things brought real meaning to her. One reason I think of her is because she loved Christmas. As I was putting up my tree, I sorted through many of the ornaments she once had. Glittering and shiny were her favorites. You should have seen our Christmas tree when I was a kid. It was covered in tinsel and hundreds of lights. We loved it. Now I can’t imagine the clean up, but to my mom that did not matter. That tree glowed!

Another reason I think of her is because of my neighbor who is still dealing with the loss of her trailer and some of her possessions. By normal standards this neighbor has too many possessions even after the fire that took out her porch and kitchen. She is, in fact, a hoarder. Even though she knows that this is not healthy, she would collect things from along the road. She had hopes of fixing them, making them better, giving them to others or selling them. She accumulated much and fixed little.

The hoarding is not what reminds me of my mother, though when it came to Christmas stuff she could definitely put my neighbor to a test. What reminds me of my mother is the overwhelming, persistent dream of “something more.” Always, always my mother dreamt of something just beyond her grasp. Whether it was a family or a career or an education or independence, she was always looking for what she didn’t currently possess, all the while running from God.

I respect and honor people with dreams. Dreamers are people I understand. I have many sound and many foolish dreams myself.  At heart, I am a dreamer or I would not be doing what I do. I see a difference, however,  between other dreamers and my mom and neighbor.  It is their complete inability to achieve their dreams or to find satisfaction in the journey toward the dream. They are always striving, never reaching. Always longing, never satisfying. No contentment. No peace.

I can’t imagine a more hellish existence. There is a cure for unfulfilled dreams, though. I know it. I can tell you what the cure is just as I have my neighbor and as I did my mother. The cure, however, takes a certain ingredient to really work. That ingredient is CHOICE.  You have to want it so much more than you want your dreams and own way, or you must be so dissatisfied with your life that you finally accept the cure. Ultimately, it comes down to your will and your choice.

The cure is that we – you, me, my mother, my neighbor – need to surrender everything – all hopes, dreams and ambitions – to God. Let it all go. That means surrendering control. We must surrender our selfishness and ownership of EVERYTHING.

What then happens is a wiping of the slate. Everything is cleared away. God can now put in mind the dreams HE has for us. He puts on our heart the dreams not just to possess but the dreams to actually achieve. He takes us on a journey of discovery of ourselves and how he wants to use us in this world. In that journey comes the peace in doing God’s will and following his plans. This brings freedom from the need to succeed, because it is not our job to succeed just to follow. It brings freedom from bondage and the things this world would say are important, because we have God’s idea of importance which has nothing to do with things or position. It brings freedom to experiment and try new adventures, because with God he uses our uniqueness to reach the world. We are free to be who God made, and is making, us to be.

For days and weeks I watched for a God-opportunity with my mom. I watched as she struggled with the reality of the cancer and the dire prospects. I watched her long for her cigarettes even when she knew those were the very things that had done this to her. I watched as she longed for her dreams and her own sense of importance. I watched. I prayed. I waited.

Finally, I brought her the truth…again. In the light of her loss, she saw her need for full surrender. I prayed with her and have hope of one day seeing her again.  What I miss now is the opportunity to talk about spiritual things with her. I never had that. But I will one day. It is this ‘missing’ that prompts me like nothing else. I can’t let another person miss the great blessing of following Christ in this world.

With my neighbor, I, and others she trusts, have laid it out. Without full surrender to Christ, her life will continue to be a spiral of chaos and bad choices. With surrender, it won’t mean that things will magically change, but it will transform the situation from “chaos” to “God at work.” Where she currently sees hopelessness and despair, I see opportunity and rebuilding. She sees through the eyes of fear and shattered dreams; I see through God’s eyes for redemption and reconciliation. The assessment of the situation is similar – it’s bad, very bad – but I also know who is waiting for her on the other side. She has yet to discover that. Until then I will watch. I will pray. I will wait with her.

God longs for our surrender. For once we fully surrender, we gain the world.

Crazy, Busy, Awesome Week

I am frequently asked, “So when can we meet?” or “What’s your week look like?” Those are hard questions to answer on a normal week. This week, however, is one for the record books.

And I’m so excited for each and every thing!

Let’s start from….

Sunday

• Work out at the gym after a few days absence and feel immensely better for it.
• Talk with the manager of Woodland Village about the fire and ways to help over the holidays.
• Visit with my neighbor whose trailer burned up the night before to find out what needs she might have. Spend some good time with her and other neighbors Phil and Larry.
• Gather with Fusion Church to say “goodbye” to Eric and Hannah. So very grateful that goodbye is not really goodbye. Not sure what I’d do without those two. Eventually, I might have to find out, but not yet. Not now. I’m grateful. I also have a great conversation with Lauren and her desire to see greater unity and strength among the Christians at Wauconda High School. She has a vision of the Kingdom of God manifest! Love that girl and her heart to be more!
• Full day over as I fall asleep until….

Monday

• I awaken at 1:30 AM and realize, when I am thinking of doing a push up at 2AM, that it is pointless to try to sleep longer. So I make my lists, watch an episode of Castle, drink a pot of coffee and pray. At 5AM I’m at the gym doing those 2AM inspired push ups.
• I go to my steady client, Moberg’s Auto, and inadvertently send a less than stellar email to 800 customers. Still I am able to finish early and head to my next client which goes remarkably well. I am done and leaving Gurnee by 2PM. This gives me time to…
• Do laundry! This morning I had used the last of my “do-rags” at the gym, so laundry is critical if I intend to work out again this week. There are many things that my new life does not have. Most of those things I don’t notice much. Today I realize the greatest “sacrifice” of my new life: no laundry in my apartment. With all these sweaty, icky work out clothes, I now have to find time to run downstairs – sometime between 8:30AM-8:00PM – to run a couple of loads. This is not as easy as it sounds, as this post will attest. But I finish early with clients and complete two loads. Woo hoo!
• 5:30 whYBS meets for our Bulldog Monday! whYBS is a group of junior and senior high Wauconda students from various churches that meets for discipleship, friendship and growth. The first Monday of the month we gather for food and fun at Bulldog’s Grill in Wauconda. Okay, we have food and fun EVERY Monday, but this one is strategically so. With the girls busy in their musical and academic endeavors this week, it is me and the guys. Hanging out with junior and senior high guys, plus a parent and leader, is always an adventure! Love those guys!
• Finally to bed after 21 hours awake. Ah….

Tuesday

• Work out in freshly laundered clothes. Beautiful thing!
• Go to Moberg’s Auto where I find all the bogus emails, fix the abysmal email templates and raise my frustration threshold with the new database to a whole new level. This is when I realize I need a retreat…or at least a really good prayer meeting in my car before my next client. After a short lunch in the park and time to decompress, I head to my 95-year-old client’s to pay a couple of bills and check on things. Good news! He found his hearing aids!
• With Tuesday being one of my regularly long days, I spend the time between my client and Inside/Out (see next bullet point) working on emails, updating information, reading up on mission/spiritual formation of teenagers/mentoring/community development/missional theology/Facebook, or squeezing in a client or meeting as needed.
• 6PM – 8PM I spend with a great group of immigrant and inner city kids in Waukegan at a program called Inside/Out. We meet at Iglesia Emanuel to play, learn, eat and intersect in kids’ lives before the world gets too hard a hold, all in the name of Christ. Technically the group is ages 4-12, but tonight we had little Angel popping in and out (almost 2 years old) and Brian, an I/O alum, who is now a junior leader (almost 16 years old). When it is a small group, I love the personal time we can spend with the kids. They bring me such joy and sometimes heartache. I would love to take many of them home with me, but that is not what God has asked me to do. No, I am there with them when I can, while I can, loving on and learning from them.
• Then it’s home where I try to decompress from a full evening. Tonight I spend it telling you about my week.

Wednesday

• Work out! With my full schedule I must find a routine of exercise to foster deep sleep. Since I have a full Tuesday, Wednesday is a slightly later start. So instead of a 4:30AM wake up alarm, it’s 5:30AM. Maybe 6:30AM if it’s REALLY late (like now).
• Every two months or so I have a client in Wisconsin I work with on Wednesday mornings. Other Wednesdays I have appointments or am prepping for our Wednesday night Missional Village Gathering (see later bullet point). When the meeting is at my place or in the picnic area, I clean and cook. When it is elsewhere, I cook then clean. This Wednesday is a rare treat: I don’t have to cook OR clean. But I do have appointments.
• Meet with Eric to discuss plans for the Missional Village. We really do need to come up with a name for our group. Hoping God will reveal that to us soon.
• Meet with Pastor Alma. I’m so looking forward to catching up with this wonderfully unique senior pastor. It’s been far too long! I also sense that God has something in store with this meeting. Hmmm…what could He be up to now?
• Missional Village Gathering at Bill’s tonight! With the colder weather, we are needing to be more strategic in our gatherings and impact in the community. During the summer it was a matter of establishing our presence and becoming known. Now we must be creative in how we are doing that. Tonight we are meeting just down the way from the fire and in a section of the park that God seems to be focusing his attention. Hmmm…what will God do tonight?

Thursday

• Work out! Yes, again. As Monday and prior weeks have proven, my sleep can get seriously whacked. One of the healthiest and most effective means of managing a good night’s rest is to keep a rigid work out schedule early in the morning. I have been unusually lax this year and it is telling in both my fitness level and my sleep level. So working out it is!
• Moberg’s Auto again! More work on the marketing and communication, as well as keeping up on the finances. I love working with Pete because his main focus, aside from maintaining impeccable integrity and honesty in a notoriously dishonest industry, is to give to organizations that have impact in the community and the world for Christ. From students from Sri Lanka to Deerfield (IL), he is giving. For people in need through Love INC or Teen Mother Choices, Pete is using the business to further God’s kingdom. It’s a great business model that more people should embrace. At least I think so anyway.
• Monthly board meeting for Love INC Lake County Southwest. Until our upcoming fiscal year is over in February, I am serving as both Secretary and Treasurer. It has been challenging in the last month or two to get time in the day to review things as I’d like, but today will get me caught up. As I look at the stories that line the walls of the Love INC office, I’m challenged and excited to see that many are from my neighborhood. God placed me in Woodland Village for a very real purpose. Being on the board of Love INC SW allows me to be a connection between those we serve and those doing the serving. Funding is always needed. So is an intimate knowledge and understanding of those being served. That is my unique role on the board.
• Meeting 5:30PM with George and Jin from Church Supporters Network to see if and/or how my church finance knowledge can be of use to the larger body. Hmmm…what will God spark now?

Friday

• Can you guess? Yes, work out! Laundry is building up quickly, but then so is muscle.
• Moberg’s again! A couple of hours four times a week is a very real help to meeting my basic financial obligations. I am a horrible fund-raiser, though I desperately need to change that so I have more time to devote to the teens in Wauconda and the Woodland Village neighborhood. So much discipleship and outreach potential is waiting to be developed! (You could help! Check out the “About the Mission” page above on how to do that).
• In all this busy-ness I am grateful for the times in my car. These hours are filled with prayer and petition. Much as I did as a teen, driving is my prayer closet. What a gift for me, particularly today!
• On every third Friday or so, I have a client in Mt. Prospect for whom I do his bills and other personal business. This is that Friday. He is the son of my Tuesday 95-year-old client. When God opened the door for this opportunity in January, it was just what I needed financially. This client is a CEO of a company but is unable to pay his bills, not for lack of funds but for forgetfulness and physical illness. It’s been a unique experience, and I’m confident it was God who has placed me in this man’s life. Hmmm…I wonder how God will reach this man and bring him into relationship to himself?
• SO EXCITED! I’m taking four of my Waukegan kids to see one of my Wauconda kids in the CYT production of Fiddler on the Roof in Zion. My worlds collide in the most beautiful way! I would love to have all my Wauconda and Waukegan kids there together, but I’ll take what I can get. I’m particularly excited to spend extra time with Brian, Brittany, Elias and Jacky, something I rarely get to do since I’m so far away. That means I will need to bust it from Mt. Prospect to Waukegan by 4:45PM, then up to Zion after our dinner by 6:45PM. I’ll drop the kids off at 10PM and head home to Wauconda for some much-needed rest because…

Saturday

• Lewie, who I recently recruited to work with the whYBS guys and who comes to the Missional Village, along with his Thursday men’s discipleship group will be helping my neighbor Larry with his roof and anything else they can get Larry to agree to. (Hmmm…Lewie sounds like he is having his own crazy, busy, awesome week!) The woman whose trailer burned on Saturday night had told me about Larry’s roof and the hole caused by debris falling from the overhanging trees. When Lewie asked if there was anything his group could do in the neighborhood, I was excited to think of what God might do on a more personal level in Larry’s life. Larry is a chain-smoking, chain-drinking retired construction worker. Hundreds of beer cans litter his living room as well as wait in bags outside. The living condition of the trailer is abysmal. This Saturday morning I will be providing assistance and connection as the guys work on Larry’s place. Much as I did when B’s ramp was being built, I will build relationships first and foremost. I will also be looking for other ways the neighborhood can be developed. Hmmm…what, oh what, will God do?! So exciting to see doors open by his hand!
• Once the project is over on Saturday I will tackle the cleaning in preparation for Monday’s whYBS gathering at my place. This happens every other week as we focus on discipleship. Every third Monday we focus on prayer and worship with The Church of Wauconda High School. But Discipleship Monday is coming up so I need to clean.
• I also need to finalize my sermon on Mark 10:46-52 for…

Sunday

• Once a month I preach at a nursing home in Lindenhurst. I love leading these dedicated seniors as well as challenging them to continue living fully for God. Singing the old hymns with them is a blast. Fusion Church isn’t really big on hymns, understandably since the majority of the church is well under 40. Coming here also gives me a regular outlet for my passion of preaching the Word. I love it, and I love them.
• With the end of the service, I may swing by a sister church in Gurnee where a friend is preaching and where I have other dear friends. OR I might just head home, though that sounds much too anti-climatic.
• 5PM Chael Tiller, the new lead pastor of Fusion Church (center and to the left of the former lead pastor, Eric), will present his thoughts on where Fusion is heading.

With that fitting end my crazy, busy and awesome week succumbs to another not-quite-so crazy but still busy, awesome week.

Hmmm…I wonder what God has dreamed up next?

Choice 2.0

When I look at my neighbors and the choices that brought them to Woodland Village, I realize that of the many choices they could make,  living here was the best and preferred option. The cost is fairly low. Owning their own place gives a sense of independence and accomplishment. For some, living here means they are now free of the abusive relationship that kept them bound for years. Others find an affordable place to retire, with their own little piece of land.

Yet for others this is the last stop before homelessness. Lack of education, addictions, mental illness and other issues keep them bound. For some even the basic maintenance on the trailer is impossible, so leaks in the roof go unrepaired. Paint peels from the windows and sheds. Weeds grow unhindered, despite notes from the management. Windows and doors are not insulated, so people must barricade themselves inside when it is cold out. Heating and electric bills become unaffordable. Service disruptions last for months. Cars go without basic maintenance, which then leads to bigger problems. Many, if not most, do not have health insurance. Many would also not have insurance on their trailer. As the fire last night shows, this could mean the end of the lifestyle, such as it is, that they have always known.

All choices matter. The fact that so many in the area don’t even know Woodland Village exists, though they pass it on a near daily basis, highlights the fact that those who live in a trailer park are forgotten. It’s easy to ignore the people and places on the edge of society. It’s easy to drive by unaware. But who did Jesus reach out to? Who did Jesus mingle among? He was among rich AND poor, and far more of the poor than the rich. He chastised the religious for ignoring the poor and sinful. He challenged the rich young ruler to give away his possessions. The Church when it first formed shared with one another as the need arose.

If we believe that America is the land of opportunity, then we need to make sure those opportunities truly exist. For people needing to get their GED, how can we provide that when even the community college is too expensive? Even if they can scrape together the funds, how can they learn when they have no computer skills or access? How can we help people who have lived 50 years with a learning disability? How can we walk with someone through divorce and child custody when they cannot afford a lawyer? How can we provide medical care for those who have no insurance? Too often they ignore basic medical checks that might catch something early on rather than when it is too late. How can we care for the pets that bring such joy and love to those who have been hurt by other humans? How can we love people as Jesus loved when we don’t even know what their lives are really like? How can we do the messy work of reconciliation and redemption when we drive by unaware of the people around us?

We each have a choice. We can choose to point fingers and say, “They can have a better life if they want it.” Or we can get to know people on the edge. We can have our clean lives get messed up a little for the sake of those in need. We have the choice to ignore the person lying on the edge of the road. Or we can stop, give our time and heart, and we can provide an opportunity for real life. We have a choice.

Choice

We make choices all the time. What clothes to wear. What music to listen to. Whether to pack a lunch or buy one. Whether to watch a movie or read a book. Which way to part our hair. Whether to listen to God or do our own thing. Each moment of every day we make choices.

I made a choice last year to move to Woodland Village. I had no idea how that would happen, but I knew I needed to live here. I could have made other choices. I could have continued to live in Gurnee. I could have moved to the West Coast again. I could have changed my name, dyed my hair and lived in Turkey. More realistically, I could have lived in a clean, comfortable, new, aesthetically pleasing, and did I mention, clean, home. Instead I chose to live in a trailer park. I chose to live among the disenfranchised and marginalized. I chose to live in a barn, or a trailer, it didn’t matter. I chose to live with little and to be joyful in that. I chose to follow God.

Sometimes I must remind myself of this choice, because quite honestly, I feel like I had no choice. I HAD to live among people who have been pushed aside. I HAD to live out my faith in the day-to-day nitty-gritty of this world. I HAD to live as Jesus lived. To do otherwise, to make another choice, was to deny God and his call. It’s possible to do, but I cannot imagine doing any such thing. I HAD to be here.

From the time I was a teenager and fully owned my faith, my life was not my own. I have always felt a sense of “something more.” Bearing this sense has not always been easy. There have been times when the mundane task of existing contradicted this sense. Even now, as I figure out how to manage the lack of finances, the relationships, the need for discipleship and the plethora of obligations, I struggle to keep this “sense” in the forefront. Yet it never, ever goes away. Others have not felt it, and I marvel at that. I can’t really understand it, try as I might. To me life is rife with purpose and meaning. Life is meant to be lived for something – Someone – greater than ourselves or even our own families. We are meant to live our lives as a pleasing sacrifice to God (Romans 12:1). Anything less would be a denial of God.

But I HAVE a choice. I can choose to live elsewhere. I could live where the neighbors keep their ugliness behind closed doors. I could stay immune from the desperation and hurt of marginalized. I could simply keep those in need at arm’s length, doing “good works” and feeling a sense of self-righteousness. I could do that. That is a choice. It is a choice I choose not to make.

A Living Room Transformed

Just over a year ago, I moved into the barn at Woodland Village. This move started with a lot of excitement and enthusiasm for the work God had laid on my heart. What that work would exactly look like was yet unknown, but the simple prospect of being a presence in this neighborhood was thrilling. (Still is!) It has been a year of change, adjustment and baby steps in mission. I can’t help but see a strong correlation between what God is doing in me and the transformation of my living room over this last year.

The picture above is my living room before I moved in. It’s light and bright. It is also bland, plain and boring. Unseen in the picture are the torn and dirty shades, the dirty hand prints on the walls, the filthy baseboards and the flaking paint on the windows. The radiator had not been cleaned in years and the windows by their design were nearly unwashable. But the potential! Oh, what potential in these walls!

The living room was the first room to be worked on in the apartment. Not because it was the easiest but because it was the most necessary by its very definition. LIVING room. Despite its importance, it took time. In fact, it was only in the last month that the anchoring piece, a couch, was added. Since I had donated most of my furniture before I moved, for this last year, I used my lawn chairs for seating. (I still have one up). With this seating arrangement, my visitors were few. This allowed me to focus on a handful of people, as well as the issues God needed to bring to light within myself. The lack of seating, however, never prevented anyone in real need from stopping by.

The first agenda item was to clean and paint. Grateful for the special permission to paint, I was still restricted to “nothing dark or bright.” With blue not being my favorite color for carpeting, I wanted to mute it a bit. Plus I wanted to showcase some beautiful water colors I purchased on a trip to Greece. After all, if you live through a Chicago winter, a painting of Greece will lift any spirit. Then, I wanted to bring color, and lots of it, to the windows. It took much looking but I finally found the perfect fabric to bring an exotic flavor to my barn. With elements of Oregon and Indonesia, I knew this fabric reflected who I am inside.

I can hear you saying, “This sounds like a decorating blog!” It is not. It’s important to realize that God is just as much concerned about my transformation (as symbolized in my living room) as he is in the transformation of my neighbors’ lives. The transformation must start with me.

I couldn’t handle the dirt. So I cleaned. I couldn’t handle the white walls, so I painted. I couldn’t handle the torn blinds, so I replaced them. With each element, a transformation was made. Personally I went through a huge transformation this last winter. Everything from the financial stress to the intense loneliness were for a purpose, for my ultimate transformation. God showed me things within myself that I didn’t like. Seeing those things, I can now allow God to clean them up, put on a fresh coat, replace what is broken and remake me from the inside out.

While I was wanting to get the living room finished as soon as possible, I knew I could not rush the process. I was determined not to fill the space just to fill it. It needed to be a place where I felt at home, so that I could make others feel at home. It may not be everyone’s taste, but the finished room brings me great satisfaction and peace. In my personal and spiritual life that is what I am aiming for as well. I am more willing to find the right thing than finding just ‘any’ thing. I learned the hard way: When in doubt, don’t. And waiting for what you really want is  always best.

Piece by piece the room came together. The paint color. The crisp trim. The clean blinds. The vibrant window treatments. The corner shelf with my favorite family pictures and special items. The deep green plants that have survived despite nearly dying and are now thriving. The lawn chair that serves as a settee and reminds me of the blessing found in the unorthodox. And finally the black couch that came unexpectedly and perfectly to anchor the room.

In myself, the pieces are coming together. These next few months will see greater internal transformation. I’m confident of this. The agenda now is to be healthy and habitable in every way. It’s exciting and scary, yet necessary if I’m to be able to help others in their own transformations. I hope that one day soon I will look at my heart’s living room and feel the complete satisfaction I do when I consider my barn’s living room.

Where Church Really Happens!

“I’m very emotional,” my neighbor said to me a few times as he and I watched the team of volunteers install a beautiful new ramp at his trailer. In one Saturday these kind-hearted and generous believers working with Love INC Lake County Southwest installed two entrances to my neighbor’s trailer: a new ramp for his scooter and the reassembly of the front stairs to the back. As each board was put in place and each person stepped up to help, B became overwhelmed. In a good way.

It was only a few months ago that I, some people from Fusion and other Wauconda-ites moved B and his two kids from their rental home to a trailer here in Woodland Village. (That blog post can be read HERE). He was a desperate man, with few real relationships and significant challenges. These challenges became greater as he lost his job due to state funding cut backs for the disabled. Yet over the last month or two, as Eric and others from Fusion established and fostered relationship with him, B found the strength to reach out again.

Having made a commitment to Christ as a child but not having really lived it for many years, he now recommitted his life and found new power to move forward despite all the issues he faced. As he opened himself up again, realizing that we were there for him no matter what his circumstances were and that we would like him no matter what others might say, God brought a freedom he could not contain. His countenance, his voice and his demeanor were open and even joyful despite the bleakness of his financial situation. What changed most for him was that he had found friends who lived out their faith and loved him unconditionally.

On Saturday B and I sat in awe of the ramp. But what awed both of us most as we talked was that it was the relationships made in the last few months that really had changed his life. People, like B, need help in tangible ways sometimes. They need a ramp to help them get in and out of their homes, or a new door to keep them warm in the winter, or new brakes to keep them safe. Those things are needed, no doubt. But what is most important are the relationships that give strength and joy. Without people loving us and caring for us, even when we have nothing to offer, we will never succeed in life. That’s true for me as well as for my neighbors, like B. And M. And C. And the five other neighbors I met Saturday. We need love and relationship just as we need air and water.

As I interacted with my neighbors, the volunteers and with B, I found myself worshiping God in the purest form possible. I was being and living Christ! Not that I was doing anything special. I was simply PRESENT as Jesus was present. I found a strength and a power in simply listening to and talking with my neighbors that I had rarely found in the four walls of any church building. As people would ask, “Where is Fusion Church?” We would answer, “We are scattered all over.” The definition of Church for us has nothing to do with a building or a meeting time but in the relationships and places where we live and work each and every day.

This truth was never more real to me than on Saturday. I had CHURCH Saturday and it was nowhere near a steeple, a cross or even lots of other believers. It was in the World, surrounded by people in need, drunks, felons, and people finding joy in the unconditional love of God as demonstrated through his people. Now THAT is where Church happens!