I’ve started this blog so many times over the last few weeks, yet have posted nothing. Knowing the words, understanding what has been going on, or even having the energy to think has been hard. So this post is simply to get it out of my system. Perhaps it will help break down the wall that has been in the way of communicating this mission.
I’ve been tired. Ok, more than tired – worn out, exhausted, beat down, numb. As I mentioned in another post, the move was very hard physically. I like working hard, but my body does funny things sometimes. I think it is residual from when I had a sleep disorder years ago. Once pushed so hard for so long, my body takes awhile to recharge. Right now I can feel the energy growing, but the time it is taking seems too long to my way of thinking. But I know that pushing through is absolutely counter-productive, no matter how much I want to.
Being physically tired makes it harder for me to be emotionally strong, as it is for anyone. Unfortunately fall is REALLY not a good time for me to be physically weak. A good friend of mine told me it takes 5 years to begin healing from grief. I can completely understand that. But it’s been 8 years since virtually everything was taken away: church, home, past, present and future family. I had great hopes that this fall would not feel like a four-letter “F” word. Isn’t God doing such great and amazing things in my life? I thought. Yet it has been challenging overcoming this tiredness and thus keeping healthy thoughts running through my mind. Tears come more easily. Sometimes I let them fall, sometimes I get angry and dash them away. Sometimes I ignore them as I am right now. Tears can be incredibly healthy and therapeutic. Other times they can be self-serving and self-pitying. It is the latter I hate with a passion. Yet when I’m really tired, tears of all kinds happen.
In the midst of all this exhaustion, though, I have found a great truth: when I am weak, God is strong. I have found tremendous joy in reveling in His strength. Just when I think I’ve learned the lesson, God drives it home in an unexpected way. Knowing that I am not able to do all that I think I ought or should means that God is able to work unhindered by my agenda. He wants to show Himself to me by meeting my needs, by letting me rest in Him, by showing me that He alone is sufficient. He wants to show that this is HIS mission and that He wants this more than I do. He wants to show that He will work His will in the world. Period. He wants to show me the power of my prayers to bring about His purposes.
So has this time of year been a four-letter “F” word? Yes. Words like:
- Fall – beautiful skies, trees, smells, times with friends
- Feel – alive, sad, joyful, sorrow, thankful, blessed
- Fete – a time to celebrate the triumphs of God over, amidst and despite pain
- Fund – knowing, not wishing, but knowing God will come through financially
- Feta – I love feta cheese, just had to throw that in here
- Find – peace, hope, truth, strength and joy
- Full – life in Christ is to be lived abundantly
You may notice that FEAR is not listed. I refuse to fear. I do not fear the past, the present or the future. Satan will not win. The real battle is spiritual – not physical or emotional. And Satan will not win.
The summary of all this: I am FREE from the past, from sin. Free to be honest. To be real. To live. To love. To let God be strong in my weakness.
