As I was reflecting on the things God has been bringing to mind about my childhood and past, I realized with a twinge of apprehension and dismay that I had allowed pockets of hurt, pain and resentment to build up. The reason for my twinge was that I know the damage done when unforgiveness is present in a person’s life.
For those who withhold forgiveness from others, bitterness and cynicism are their constant companions. They are the doubters, the I told you so-ers, the haters. They are seen as cold, distant and uncaring. For those who are bound by bitterness, they can never move forward in relationships because they are expecting at any moment to be disappointed. The fact is, everyone will disappoint us in some way. What matters is whether we are willing to ride it out to the sweet spot of mutual respect, care and love, aka true friendship. Without moderation of cynicism we will never be truly connected to people.
When people refuse to forgive themselves or refuse to accept God’s forgiveness, the pattern of life is self-destruction. I have seen in countless lives the devastation that comes from not releasing sin and accepting God’s grace. The core sin becomes a catalyst for other sins and life choices. Feeling unworthy and riddled with guilt, the person chooses to feed that image with the same bad choices and to find any means to numb the guilt. Addictions are a common result. They will do anything to bury the guilt.
It becomes a vicious cycle where the secondary issues of addiction, promiscuity (and its resulting effects) and aggressive or extreme behavior deflect attention from the primary, usually hidden, issue. Those secondary issues become a safety net where even addiction is preferred to the guilt of the other. At least then those watching can point to that problem and miss the real issue at work.
The inability to forgive ourselves is the inability to acknowledge God’s primary role in our life. By withholding something that God offers freely, we take the place of God. It is Lucifer all over again. If we punish ourselves with our life choices, then we feel like hell is here on earth and we are paying the penalty for our sins. Yet we can’t. If we could, then all Old Testament animal sacrifices and post-New Testament acts of contrition or penance would have done it long ago. The fact is it takes God with a simple word to clear us of our sins, having provided the final sacrifice. Often, though, a simple word isn’t good enough. When we withhold forgiveness, we deny God his place in the universe. We feel all-powerful. Ultimately it is only when we truly confess our sins to God and acknowledge his role of Forgiver that we can leave the past behind.
This also applies when we withhold forgiveness from others. Sometimes we are very much aware of the sins done to us. Those obvious acts of betrayal, theft, abuse, and lies, while not easier to forgive, are easier to name and ultimately to deal with. They are the low hanging, very large fruit. What becomes more insidious are those areas that go unnamed. Like those from my childhood. I have forgiven those blatant sins done against me. But those that were not intentional in nature and where I was not the “intended target” need forgiven too. Hence my dismay and apprehension.
God wants us to know and to name the things that have impacted our lives. Counselors can spend years trying to unpack those things, not to cause more hurt, but to bring them into the light. Once revealed they can be dealt with. The problem comes when we ignore, bury or internalize those hurts, because these things will never stay that way. They will present themselves in our relationships. Always.
So name that ugly hurt from your childhood, from adulthood, from last week. Talk about it. Call out why it happened. Recognize where others’ issues impacted your life. Then forgive and forgive freely.
I was dismayed to realize I had not articulated my forgiveness for how my parents’ actions impacted my life. I forgive them. I forgive how my siblings actions made me feel. This isn’t about forgiving because I understand the pain they all were going through, although I do. It’s about forgiving because I have allowed pockets of resentment and hurt to go unchecked in me. This is about cleaning out my life, not about changing theirs. I felt pompous in saying, “I need to forgive them” because I knew I needed to be forgiven by them in return. Yet I needed to say it. The hurt was real whether intended or not, and I refuse to ignore it anymore.
I was apprehensive because I felt the full weight of my own need for forgiveness. If I felt hurt by my family, then they would have been hurt by me in return. Even writing about how I have been hurt could cause hurt in them. This happens when things are not acknowledged or discussed. We react to things in different ways and the output will always have impact. By forgiving them I could then ask God and them to forgive me. In withholding forgiveness, I was withholding my ability to be forgiven.
In forgiveness we find freedom. The past can no longer hold sway over our lives even if the consequences still exist. We can name the thing for what it is: lying, resentment, betrayal, abortion, adultery, neglect, abuse, unintentional hurt. Then we can leave it behind, covered in God’s forgiveness and grace. Satan will try to use it against us, but it has lost its sting. If we feel the sting of it, it is a clear indication that we need to forgive again. Forgiveness is not a one-and-done deal. It is a lifestyle and process.
Mission is about living in forgiveness and living out grace, showing both to this unforgiving world.
