Who I Am, Your Daughter

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Last night, on October 1, I spent the evening praying about what I wanted this October to be like, what I wanted to see happen in my life by the end of the month. I didn’t really get any answers, but I did have a distinct prayer: Father, help me remember who I am, your daughter.

Such a simple prayer, to remember who I am. I’ve spent so much time discovering that person that you’d think it would be instinctual. Yet today, on October 2, I found myself physically and emotionally tired. It wasn’t a tiring day. I was tired. Worn out. Bushed. Wiped. Yet I woke this morning with that same prayer on my lips. “Father, help me remember who I am, your daughter.”

So was there something I forgot? Was my tiredness a reflection of my relationship with God? Did I somehow forget in a few short hours who I was? Hardly!

The fact is I am God’s HUMAN daughter, with human pain and human needs. It doesn’t make me any less his daughter that I’m physically tired. Who wouldn’t be tired with a shoulder that continues to ache and a disrupted sleep because of that shoulder? Who wouldn’t be tired when a new doctor shoves a two inch long needle in one’s shoulder in an attempt to alleviate the pain? (It didn’t by the way). Of course I was physically tired.

Emotionally I’m tired because it is fall. I see “tired” as a vast improvement from other years when fall was a four letter “F” word. Even while I am enjoying this fall with the crisp mornings, sunny afternoons, blowing winds, and falling leaves; even while my mind and eyes are enjoying this time of year, my body and emotions remember the events of the past. Will the events of the past ruin my fall, making it yet again a four-letter “F” word? No, I don’t think so. Life is different, and I am different. Yet still the truth of the past and all that I lost are felt. And I’m okay with that.

I’m okay with my past and my pain. I’m okay that I am not the same person I was, and yet I am more me than ever before in my life. I am okay that today I was tired, that all I wanted at the end of the day was a good, long hug. Because even while I was tired, I remembered – just as I asked of God – who I am. I am God’s daughter. With all the rights, responsibilities, obligations, authority, humility and power that comes with that. I am God’s daughter, and that can’t be taken away no matter how tired I am.

So I am grateful that I remembered who I was at the end of this tired day. It was the spiritual hug that I needed when a physical hug was not possible. I am grateful that God answered my prayer: Father, help me remember who I am, your daughter.

Embracing the Love

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“Love takes courage, and anyone who says differently is an a**hole!” the old man told his soon to be born grandsons. This line from the play Smokefall rings through my mind not just because it is hilarious (even if you don’t like the language) but because it is oh so true.

The play at the Goodman Theater involves many themes of love, of family, of heartbreak, of predestination, and of transformation. If you have the opportunity to see it, you should. It will have you thinking (and laughing) for days.

What stood out to me is how the play reflected the complexity of life. In one’s twenty’s life is still mostly simple. Life has such hope and such ambition. This all lasts until the first child or first death or first heartbreak, then life becomes inordinately complex. However, it is a shame to disillusion the young with the vagaries of the adult world. It is cruel to take that simple dream from them. Yet it is also cruel not to give them the tools to triumph over the complexities of life when they come.

“LOVE TAKES COURAGE!” the old man yelled. Yes, to love after heart-break, after death, after pain takes great courage. To reveal our hearts to others whether in friendship or romance takes great courage. Sometimes more courage than we think we have.

I wrote last week about embracing the pain. Yet it is absolutely impossible to embrace the pain of our lives, whether physical or spiritual or emotional, if we cannot embrace the love as well. Masochism is not the answer. If we only embrace our pain, as some do, we become nihilists who bemoan all of existence and make life miserable for anyone around us. I’ve actually met someone like this, and it takes great fortitude to maintain any kind of relationship. In fact, I couldn’t do it because I did not have the support system in place to help me bear the torrent of bitterness. I embrace my pain but not at the expense of foregoing love.

Having experienced pain, loss, betrayal and grief makes it harder to embrace love (in all its forms), yet once we do, it makes it so much sweeter. Just as adding salt to a recipe highlights the sweetness of the ingredients, so does pain or grief make all worthy relationships that much more special. Friendships mean more. Relationships have depth and purpose. It is far harder to take people for granted. I know I can’t.

Yet love takes courage.

It takes courage to speak the truth. It takes courage to offer ourselves when the potential for rejection exists. It takes courage to love without strings and without expectation. It takes courage to embrace our pain even as we embrace our love.

Ecclesiastes talks about the meaninglessness of life. I believe Solomon was weighed down by the overwhelming power this world has to bring us to our knees. The pain of this world has an ability to take us to the breaking point. Yet even Solomon understood that in the midst of toil and strife it is critical to have someone by your side, someone you are toiling for, someone to uphold you in your hard times. It is even better to have two by your side.

So despite how hard this life is, how much pain we must endure, how much grief we bear, it IS possible to bear it. It IS possible to not just survive but to thrive. We do that by simultaneously remembering our pain and by choosing daily to embrace love.

“Love takes courage, and anyone who says differently is an a**hole!”

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Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,

    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls

    and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

    But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,

    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Interruptions or Opportunities

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The Bible talks about “making the most of every opportunity.” In that particular context it is talking about allowing one’s faith to be evident as often as the opportunity presents itself. I have learned that the “perfect” opportunity rarely happens and that every moment is an opportunity for our faith to reveal itself.

Often we think of “divine appointments” as those seen in the Bible, especially the one in John 4 where the Samaritan woman comes to the well midday for water. We know that Jesus knew she’d be there, but the disciples certainly didn’t. There was nothing divine, in their eyes, about this meeting. They saw her presence as an interruption. OF COURSE she was an interruption! She interrupted their lunch and their plans to move on, out of Samaria. Only Jesus, the Divine One, saw this interruption as an opportunity.

An interruption is only an opportunity when God shows up. What if it had been Thaddeus or Peter who had met the woman at the well. Would they have talked with her? Would they be so focused upon their pending lunch that they would ignore her like everyone else did? Would they have listened to the Holy Spirit, like Jesus did, to know what was going on in this woman’s life? Would they have even offered to help or requested help from her? No, they wouldn’t have because at that point they did not see the normal occasions of life, which are almost always interruptions, as opportunities to show God’s love and kindness.

If we wait for the perfect or the divine opportunity to show God’s love, we will miss every opportunity every time. This doesn’t mean that we speak of our faith at every moment regardless of what is going on. That is what Jesus condemned the Pharisees for. It is what the Church has done to the world with little effect. It’s what most of those street corner preachers do to the annoyance of everyone.

What we can do is show our faith through our attitudes and our actions. Faith isn’t just about the propositions we hold. It is about the truth and love of God lived out, in and through us as his daughters and sons. If we truly embraced who were are as children of God, co-heirs with Christ, then people will see the difference even before we open our mouths. Our actions, our compassion, our empathy, our listening will open the doors that our words – or the words of Christians of the past – hurled indiscriminately have closed. Our words will then have meaning and import.

So let me ask you, are your actions and attitudes toward the world ones that attract people or do they repel? Do you distract people with your vehement need to be right while the love of God gets trashed by your words? Are you more Pharisee than disciple? Are you more American than Christian? Are you living out your life as God’s child, bearing his name and identity like it was part of your DNA, or do you wear it like a coat that you can take on and off at will?

Are you seeing interruptions? Or are you seeing opportunities?

Many Mothers

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This Mother’s Day weekend could have turned out differently. I could have been, and almost was, hurt and pained at the circumstances of my life that put motherhood and I at odds.

My own mother is gone. She passed away in January 2003. My “only” chance at being a mother died in the fall of 2002 when I miscarried my baby and then my husband left.

I could be bitter. I could be regretful and wishing my life were different. If I hadn’t starting feeling better after a recent illness, I probably would have felt that way. Emotional defenses are always weakened by physical illness, at least for me.

I still miss what I don’t have, but this morning, as I thought about Mother’s Day, I remembered all the mothers who were a part of my life. I remembered how truly blessed I am and have been by these women.

Collage of MomI remembered that despite all my mom’s faults at actual mothering, I knew that she loved me dearly. I have no question about that, and I do not take her love for granted even now. It is a gift I cherish.

My stepmom, Pat, was and is a God-send to our family. She allowed my brother and I to talk and to be heard as young (and now much older) adults. I remember the first long drive she and I had together when I was almost 19. This was our first time getting to know each other. I seemed to talk non-stop, and she got the sneaky suspicion that I was trying to dissuade her from dating my dad. (I wasn’t). I guess mentioning in graphic detail my dad’s propensity to heat rash raised her eyebrows. Fortunately for me and my dad, my warning about the rash didn’t scare her away. I thank God for Pat. She is an answer to prayer.

My former mother-in-law, Sharon, is a woman of great love and patience. While it has been many years since I have spent time with her, I remember her with great love and pray for her and her family (all of them) often. She was a wonderful mother-in-law while I had her.

My friend, Carol, showed me what it was truly like to have a mother. Our friendship began on trips to Turkey and Greece, strengthened by trips to Egypt and Jordan, but it was when I was able to come alongside her during her own family crisis that our relationship deepened. She was the first person that I freely shared my story with. It was she who broke my silence and allowed my pain to be used for something good. Later she and her husband took me in for six months until I knew the direction God had for me. It was during that time, during a time of sickness, when she cared for me. I remember thinking “so that’s what it’s like to have a mother.” Such a tremendous blessing that I will never forget. Nurturing is universally known as Carol’s gift. I am grateful to have been a beneficiary.

Motherhood is not about blood relations. In fact, the best examples of mothers I know are those who have no blood connection at all. Me with my stepmom and others. My stepmom with my niece, Raechael. Mothers (and fathers) who have adopted children for no other reason than love.

Motherhood is not about bearing one’s own children. Motherhood is about the condition of the heart. Motherhood is about nurturing the lives entrusted to us whether it be as a mentor, friend, peer or relation. Motherhood is about bringing out the best in people and loving them despite their faults. Motherhood is about celebrating the beauty of God’s creation as demonstrated in womankind who are uniquely gifted to bring forth the next generation both physically and spiritually.

On this Mother’s Day, while I miss my own mom and miss my own child, I rejoice in the women who have helped to make me the woman I am today. I am blessed.

Weakness: A Vehicle for Mission

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Why would God make me so aware of a desire I could not fulfill? What is the point? And is it even important for mission?

Two weeks ago I saw a play with a friend about two older pet lovers who stumble upon each other and come face to face with their own broken human desires and relationships. On a human level, the play hit very real emotions. On a spiritual level, it completely ignored the reality and power of God.

After the play my friend asked me, “So what was your marriage like?”

I barely remember my answer, though I clearly remember the dissonance that sprang from deep within as the question resounded in my head over the next few days. God was getting my attention.

My marriage was lonely. Very lonely. And coming from a girl who grew up lonely that is saying something. This loneliness was exacerbated by my expectations, some realistic, others not.

I went into marriage with a full commitment to make it succeed and trusted that my husband felt the same. While my trust was real, it was not mature. Ill prepared in so many ways, what I thought was a mutual foundation of faith was not. Without telling a story that is not mine to tell, that marriage was doomed to fail no matter what I did.

Looking back and realizing how little I could do to make it change, and then knowing how lonely I was throughout, God used the play and that seemingly simple question to galvanize my desire for something more, for something real and mutual.

I do not know why God chose now to bring this to my attention. I know one day I want to grow old with someone, but right now I am content and on the whole quite peaceful. This year of “Going Deep” has been incredibly life-giving and joyful. Yet God did get my attention, and I am obligated to do something about it.

Discipleship is all about asking two questions: “What is God saying to you? And what are you going to do about it?” Too often we talk (ad nauseam) about what we are going through, but rarely hear what God is trying to tell us. Most church small groups do this with great alacrity and little benefit. We can’t act on what we do not hear, so the second question is moot until the first is answered.

God was speaking to me about acknowledging and owning my desire to be desired, and to understand why. What then am I to do about it?

The first action step is to tell others. As a Challenger, this vulnerability is very important to my overall health and growth as God’s daughter. It reiterates my utter dependence upon God which flies in the face of my self-reliant tendencies.

The second action is to absorb this desire into myself. It is just one more facet of who I am. I should not ignore it, put it on the back burner, or flaunt it. I cannot deny my desire anymore than I can deny I am right-handed or curly-haired. It is a part of me.

The third action is to draw a line in the sand for anyone who might be a potential “suitor” if such a man exists. While I am no wall flower unable to know my own mind or heart, I am not going to chase anyone. I take relationships as they are presented and give back in the same vein. Knowing my desire to be desired protects me from the what if’s in my male friendships, friendships that are vitally important to me. If a man wants something other than friendship, he’ll need to say so. I don’t and won’t speculate.

The fourth action is to live joyfully in the situation that I am in, no matter if it is for one year or thirty years. I need to rest in the knowledge that God is fully aware of me, my needs and my desires. I do not need to strain or stress or manipulate events to meet my wants. He loves me so much he is going to work out what I need when I need it. My job is to trust him. And I do.

I do not take this part of my job for granted, though I am much more adept at trusting than I used to be. Trust in God is a beautiful and precious gift that I love to show others. Some might try to take it, but even if another takes it out of my hand it still exists. God’s trust cannot be broken, destroyed or mutilated. It can only be spread, shared and multiplied.

The last action is to use my very real, very human need to connect with a world that is longing to be desired. People seek fulfillment in human relationships, much like the play I saw, when the deepest desire is to be loved by the Creator of the universe who is also our Maker. God is not separate from our human desires but longs to be the center of those desires and protector of our hearts. He is the source of ultimate love and such love cannot be imitated or supplanted.

God connected me to my weakness so that I can connect with others in theirs, for His sake and His glory. Weakness thus becomes the vehicle for God’s mission. A powerful, unstoppable vehicle.

 

Overcoming Bitterness in 10 Not So Easy Steps

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Ravello, ItalyWhat does it take to overcome betrayal and a broken relationship in a Godly way? Is it possible to do it without additional regret and pain? And is it possible to not just recover but actually thrive?

A few years ago, after sharing my own sad saga, I was asked, “How did you not become bitter?” The question was asked because the person needed to know for themselves how to avoid bitterness. Yet their question also revealed the truth that I was indeed not bitter. Despite the betrayal and attack I had endured, I was free. So how did I find freedom?

Below are the 10 not-so-easy steps I took to overcome bitterness. By the grace of God, I made some good choices that set me up to heal and eventually to thrive. Understand, however, the process of recovery was almost harder than the breaking of the relationship. There is no magic pill and nothing fast about it, but a joyful future is possible if you are willing to do the hard and often painful work.

1. Honesty is mandatory.
Complete honesty with yourself is the foundation of relational and emotional recovery. Even the smallest of subterfuges and white lies will derail you from healing. Until you are willing to be brutally honest you cannot begin. Something to note about honesty: it is like an onion. Just when you think you are as honest as you possibly can be, you find another layer that needs to be unpeeled and exposed. Yet with each layer uncovered, God gives you the strength to see the next. It is painful to be honest with and about ourselves, but there is no other alternative if healing is the goal. Can’t be done. You should also know that once the honesty stops, so does the healing.

2. You are responsible for your sins.
We all sin. In a broken relationship, there will always be mistakes you made and issues you brought to the situation. They are there in stable relationships! So own up to them. Until we take responsibility for ourselves, we won’t be able to move forward either on our own or in a new relationship. That “stuff” from that other relationship comes with you into a new one, unless you deal with it and repent of it. Deal with your crap because no one else will.

3. You are NOT responsible for other people’s sins.
Just as we need to own our own sins, we cannot nor should we take responsibility for other people’s issues. In the Book of Job, his friends tried to lay certain sins at his feet, but he kept denying they were his. He was innocent, at least of what they said. It wasn’t until God spoke the truth, naming his real sins, that Job owned them. Own your sins, not what someone else thinks you did. This is part of honesty too.

4. Integrity is more important than reputation.
It sucks when people think you are the one who broke the relationship and didn’t want to make it work. It especially sucks when it is an outright lie. My situation was a little unique since there were facts I was unaware of at the time. I was clueless why the relationship had disintegrated as it had, though I could see some blamed me. It hurt so badly, yet all I could do was trust God to defend me and my reputation. God knew. My close friends and family knew. Everyone else was either told a lie, allowed to believe a lie, or chose to speculate a lie.

Then as now, the most important thing is that WE know the truth – for good or bad – and we know God knows the truth. Integrity is what we know to be true about ourselves and live up to it; reputation is what others think they know about us. Integrity is more important than reputation. Let God defend your reputation; you protect your integrity. God will honor it.

5. Lies must be denounced calmly, respectfully and by living out the truth.
When presented with a lie, I spoke the truth. I didn’t fly off the handle, breakdown in tears or scream, though I really, really wanted to sometimes. I spoke the truth simply and then let the other person be outraged on my behalf. When possible I confronted the lies with words, but most often words were not possible, especially since I refused to go on the offensive. Instead I let my life reveal the truth. I gave myself over to the deepest desires of my heart which were to care for the least of these. In nursing homes, homeless shelters, mission trips and inner city ministries, I was able to live out the life God had called me to. The truth was revealed more through actions than through words.

6. Kindness is the greatest vengeance – and it’s God approved!
Whenever I felt a deep urge to yell, confront, or bite back, which was often, I remembered Romans 12:17-20.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

When tempted to be mean, my “wicked” response was to be nice. I visualized the coals falling with each grace-filled word I said. It was rather fun. Over time the kindness had its own reward because it helped me not become bitter. My actions were able to influence my thinking. Despite how hard it was, and how I sometimes failed, I do not regret being kind to the one who broke my heart. Not one regret.

7. Forgiveness must be given freely and often. Forgiveness does not absolve us from the consequences nor does it mean trust is restored. Forgiveness allows us to move forward. If we have been honest with ourselves, then we need to ask forgiveness from God and from ourselves for the things we did wrong. We will probably even have to go to the person who had wronged us to ask forgiveness of them knowing they may never reciprocate. It’s what is required of those who want to walk as Jesus walked. Taking the first step is painful, but only the brave will find freedom.

We must also grant forgiveness to the person who hurt us so deeply. Betrayal and abandonment have a way of hitting us where we are most vulnerable, especially those of us who have a ’til death do us part’ mentality. The pain and anger rise up when we least expect it. No matter how many times we might forgive, it is necessary to forgive again – and again – and again. Until the rage and anger no longer rise up. Until that bitter taste no longer comes with the very thought of the person who hurt us. This could take years, and probably will. Yet each time rage flairs, forgive. Forgiveness is the road to freedom.

What happens, though, if the person who hurt us doesn’t ask or seek forgiveness?

8. Forgiveness is your responsibility, not theirs.
Granting forgiveness, and even asking for it, is our responsibility. If we want to be forgiven ourselves, we must forgive. The Bible is very clear here. Yet demanding to be asked for forgiveness is not something we can expect, though it would be nice. Think of it this way, you are giving a great gift to someone, but they are unwilling to reach out for it. You know this gift would save their life, yet still they resist taking it. All you can do is place it before them and walk away. You are no longer burdened with carrying this gift around and can move forward with life. Give forgiveness for your sake. Ask forgiveness for your sake. But do not feel guilty or hurt if they never seek it or acknowledge it. That’s their problem, not yours.

9. It’s not about you.
Until my life blew up, I didn’t understand David’s statement in Psalm 51, “against you, and you alone, O God, have I sinned.” Um…hello, David…what about Uriah and Bathsheba? Only when I was ripped apart did I see that the sin was not against me but against God. And ONLY God. I was simply collateral damage. Of course, collateral damage can still kill you, but I was not the real target. Once I realized that, I also realized that Jesus had suffered for this very reason. He knew what I was going through because he was experiencing the exact same betrayal. As I read the passion of Christ over and over again, I knew that my pain was only a small portion of what Jesus felt. See Jesus took on all the betrayal in all the world over all time upon himself. In fact, he even took my betrayal upon himself. Still he loved and forgave me. I found great comfort in sharing my sorrow and grief with the only one who could really know it.

10. In time you will know who God made you to be.
In the end, if you are honest and you give yourself time, you will find the beautiful, powerful, grace-filled person God made you to be. His child, born of God and co-heir with Christ. Nothing can take that away from us. We are his and that is what makes us who we are, not our sins, betrayals or hurts. Our identity is grounded and made whole in Him, when once it was shattered and broken.

I wouldn’t wish what happened to me on anyone, but I cannot deny the beauty that has come from it.

How can I be bitter when I’ve received so much?

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20

Go Deep

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Snorkeling in the Red SeaI knew exactly two people in Wauconda when God moved me to the mobile home park in 2010. By the time I left Wauconda this last August, I had a whole family.

The greatest outcome of living in Wauconda was and is my relationship with the people at Fusion Church. Authenticity and acceptance are the hallmarks of Fusion. Through Fusion I was empowered to follow God’s call and to attempt, even fail, where others would have stopped me from even trying. I learned how to create a sense of family out of a group of odd ball strangers. I, who had no idea how to live in a family, became the one to foster family and community. What an amazing gift! Because of that environment God was able to do some of his greatest work in me. I love my Fusion family and miss our community. So it is little wonder that with my move to Chicago my level and type of community engagement would be vastly different.

The move to Chicago, while unexpected in one sense was not surprising in another. I had been spending the last year coming in from the ‘burbs for meetings and helping with Traffick Free, an anti-human trafficking awareness and education organization. I was able to spend a week at a CCDA (Christian Community Development Association) Immersion in the South Loop, getting to see my friends at Overflow Coffee each morning. Relationships and an enhanced love for the city were growing long before I was presented with the opportunity to work and live here.

Unlike when I moved to Wauconda, in Chicago I had many connections already established. What I found, however, was the need to scale back some of my involvement, both to concentrate on the new job but also to take a much-needed break. The break was necessary because while my heart and love for my neighborhood and all the things going on there were still alight, the toll of being alone in the mobile home park and being “on” all the time was significant. I knew that trying to reach my neighbors as I wanted to was not feasible while living there without a partner in the mix. I have some gifts, but I am not a superhero able to do everything or be everything that was needed. Partnership was the key to success, and I didn’t have that.

With the move, I heard God saying, “I want you to take a breath. Focus in on the relationships you have. I want you to GO DEEP.” God wanted me to focus on strengthening an area of weakness in me, but he also wanted to give me blessing and joy.

With my past, I have always been one to let go of attachments once I was removed from the situation. I remember with great fondness those with whom I went to college, but until Facebook I didn’t really keep up with them. On-going, long-lasting, deep relationships were not something I was adept at. Out of self-preservation I was more used to letting go than hanging on. Now is the time to change that. Now I am able to change that.

Deepening relationships takes time and intentionality. It cannot be done on a whim or by magic. I have sisters that know me and yet somehow still love me. They have had to forgive me, and still I know they have my back no matter what as I have theirs. We are in and out of each other’s lives, supporting each other with the gifts and resources God has provided. I’m able to share myself as I’ve never been free to do before. For many of you this might be normal. For me it is the first time I’ve ever had or allowed that kind of connection. It is truly a glorious experience.

With my biological family deeper connections have been made there as well. After a heartfelt clearing of the air over Father’s Day weekend, the deepening has continued with my dad and stepmom. We can disagree (which we do) but still love, support and pray for each other. Times together are thoroughly enjoyable (when we avoid politics). I’m also making intentional connection with others in the family, though I will admit, that is not easy at times. We are probably the most non-verbal siblings on the planet! Egads! It’s a (slow) work in progress, but work I’m committed to doing.

Since moving to Chicago I’ve picked up a couple of friends that are a part of this ‘going deep.’ My 81-year-old friend is just such a friend. Quirky as she is, she fits into my oddball sense of family. Other friends I enjoy going with to concerts, plays and all things Chicago. In the next months I look forward to going deeper with those I’ve known only a short while and those I have yet to meet.

This year of “Go Deep” is an outflow of the complete trust I have in God. I can be vulnerable, open and transparent with much greater ease than ever before in my life. My spots are clearly visible, and I’m comfortable letting them stay that way, even as God works to change them from ugly age spots to true beauty marks.

At some point along the way, I anticipate God showing me a more strategic area of mission here in Chicago, whether via my job with The Salvation Army or in my neighborhood. But I’m not fussed about when that happens. My responsibility now, and always, is to listen, obey and do. And what God is saying to do right now is “Go Deep.”